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This entire week looked like an epic relapse. Today all I ate was a piece of bread. Tomorrow, I know won’t look any different, nor will the rest of the week. If I bring a protein shake and fruit purée for lunch everyday to work, I will get by with 500 cals or less everyday (minus Wednesdays unless I go walking before MC). Honestly wish I still nannied just because it was so much easier to restrict and stay busy plus I had a treadmill to walk on everyday. But I’m tired of the plateau.. I’m ready to lose again. Hopefully as rapidly as I did last time.

Some days I think I can be brave enough to have a bowl of ice cream and then I totally freak out over calories knowing that the only meal I ate was a small portioned lunch but I still feel fat as ever and want to work off all those calories I ate when really I probably worked off all those calories at my job already. My mind and the tricks it plays on me. I just want to see that scale decrease. As soon as the weather is nicer, I’ll be out walking after work every day.

I’ve had SUCH a hard time lately with the fact that I’ve been eating. I hate it but I’ve been doing it anyways and I’m having such a hard time mentally with eating. I feel so fat. My legs are freaking monsterous and I really want to quit eating again. Can I drink all my calories instead? I have no problem with drinks. This is sucky and I’m done eating normally. I WILL lose 20lbs by June or July.

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