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Depression isn’t discriminative. I can only do okay for a little while then it hits me like a big cloud of smoke or like coming from a heated building to the bitter below zero cold. It’s awful and I feel awful. It doesn’t matter how my day goes, good or bad, I’m always depressed at the end of the day. Maybe it’s because I’m 25 and have nothing going for me while all my friends are graduating college, getting married, maintaining a marriage or having babies. Then there’s me. I’m the definition of the word unsuccessful. I can’t even afford to move out for Gods sake! As bad as I want to and as hard as I work at my difficult day job, at the least, I wish I could accomplish that! I hate everything. I hate life and I just want to die already so this waste of air can finally be used by someone who might actually do something with their lives and go somewhere in life!

Misplaced Anger

Feeling angry and self injurious. I know it had nothing to do with my nails but that is what set off my anger and frustration. Tried to do my nails and I failed more times than I can count on both fingers and toes, so I took off all my polish and gave up. I hate my misplaced anger. I feel like banging my head into the wall over and over. I feel like throwing things, breaking things and kicking and screaming. I feel like breaking a limb. I feel like sticking my finger down my throat. I’m starving and I’m SO ANGRY that I feel like being self injurious!

People always say “Treat others how you want to be treated”. Do you realize that that includes your kids? It may come back to bite you in the ass later. If you wouldn’t disrespect your neighbor or your best friend then don’t disrespect your child and when you do SAY SORRY! Unless of course you don’t feel any remorse for picking your child apart every time you’re angry with them.

I didn’t get time to grab lunch today to bring to work. So I didn’t get breakfast OR lunch today. 😩 and there’s never anyone to bring me one and I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday. I’m glad all the people in my life can be counted on for anything. NOT!

Today is one of those days where I simply feel like I cannot possibly go on. I don’t know how I am possibly going to survive the next couple weeks. I only have $20 to my name. Plus next paycheck I have so much stuff to pay and I can’t miss out on Omaha because I only get to see the Z’s and Brookers once a year! I almost need a second full time job just to survive. I can’t do it. I just want to die. It’s so much easier.

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