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I hate today. I hate everyday really. 90% of the time I don’t feel like I have any friends and then my friend with families are like oh me too UMMMM did you forget at least you have a significant other and/or a child and I literally spend a majority of my time COMPLETELY ALONE. Half the time I wanna be like YOURE AN AWFUL FRIEND BECAUSE YOURE NEVER THERE FOR ME EVER and don’t ever talk to me again. Just one of those moments where I wish I was dead. Sometimes I seriously do not want to continue living. Today is one of those days. I want to just die.

Having one of those, I never want to eat again days. But I managed all three meals. Chia seed oatmeal with banana, lunch jello, kohlrabi and 1 tiny red potato, raspberries, dinner 1 chicken leg and half an apple. That only equals 481 calories but then my snacks were stupidly high in calories!

It’s really hard to recover from an eating disorder when there’s nothing to eat in the house and you have no money to even get anything to eat. I haven’t eaten at all today. This is bad for my recovery.

Of all the things in the world that I think are unfair, sometimes I think the most unfair thing was to have cheated death. Why did he have to send me back to this empty and broken world knowing that my fate would be living this miserable every day? Why would he send me back knowing all of the things I would endure from that point forward? Why would I even be allowed to exist on this earth again, given a second life and have to feel like I will always get the short end of the stick, never be anything close to successful or even ever have any place to ever call my own? I’ll never understand why he brought me back to this. Never. I wish he would’ve kept me in heaven with him.

4 things I’d like to do right now.
1) Get a really good nanny position with it reported to the government and everything!
2) Throw up everything I ate today and the past week.
3) Never eat again
And 4) Not be so broke. I hate my life. Shoot me now please. Spare me of all emotion and just take me now.

I’m so fat. I’m not adjusting very well to eating normally at all. It’s been 2 months and I still feel disgusting and fat and so ugly and nasty. Life is better when I’m hardly eating. I feel so much better about myself when I hardly eat. I don’t care if my body function suffers. I’d rather physically suffer than mentally. Done.

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