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I don’t understand how people can live with knowing that they have damaged another persons life in such a significant way. It’s not fair that they get to keep living guilt free and I have to feel disgusting, ugly, dirty and completely damaged every day. It’s not fair that I have to feel so much anxiety every day while they get to continue living their comfortable lives. Some days I don’t know how I will continue on but I do it with joy most of the time when I’m still feeling the opposite of joyful. I just want to feel relief. I want to feel SAFE. I want to feel worthy of love.

Depression isn’t discriminative. I can only do okay for a little while then it hits me like a big cloud of smoke or like coming from a heated building to the bitter below zero cold. It’s awful and I feel awful. It doesn’t matter how my day goes, good or bad, I’m always depressed at the end of the day. Maybe it’s because I’m 25 and have nothing going for me while all my friends are graduating college, getting married, maintaining a marriage or having babies. Then there’s me. I’m the definition of the word unsuccessful. I can’t even afford to move out for Gods sake! As bad as I want to and as hard as I work at my difficult day job, at the least, I wish I could accomplish that! I hate everything. I hate life and I just want to die already so this waste of air can finally be used by someone who might actually do something with their lives and go somewhere in life!

Misplaced Anger

Feeling angry and self injurious. I know it had nothing to do with my nails but that is what set off my anger and frustration. Tried to do my nails and I failed more times than I can count on both fingers and toes, so I took off all my polish and gave up. I hate my misplaced anger. I feel like banging my head into the wall over and over. I feel like throwing things, breaking things and kicking and screaming. I feel like breaking a limb. I feel like sticking my finger down my throat. I’m starving and I’m SO ANGRY that I feel like being self injurious!

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