I’ve been told my whole life that its vain and egotistical to love yourself, so I started to do the opposite. Then 4th grade came along and I was bullied and made fun of so badly that my hating of myself got even worse and about 10-11 I developed an eating disorder. I’ve always kind of just picked at my food, I’ve never been a bug eater at all but it got even worse and I soon enough started looking like a little stick figure. At that age it’s extremely easy to lose large amounts of weight in a very short period of time, especially if you were as active as I was. I was a dancer and I also competed, so I was at dance all the time. I hardly had time to eat and when I did I’d just pick at my food.

Trying so hard to not care but I feel so fat and ugly. My legs and butt are HUGE. I’ve lost about 7lbs the past few weeks and I wish the weight would fall off faster!
I can’t stop restricting but I’ve found ways to eat a bit and still stay under a certain calorie goal that I’ve set for myself.

I’m getting mad thinking about how all I want to do today is sleep and watch tv and I can’t. I’m SO tired! Can I check out early today? I hate that I get off so late that I don’t have any time to myself. I hate that the entire 10+ hours I’m here they can only watch 1 fucking hour of tv! 1 hour? That is so unrealistic. It’s not going to kill them to up it to 2 hours. I’m so mad.

Friendship means constantly giving up convenience. It means loving your shy friends to the fullest extent when they let you into their world and their struggles or giving up your own comfort to listen and be bluntly honest to your outgoing friend when they’re struggling. Friendship means when you’re needed, you GO (whatever go might mean in the situation) without thinking about inconvenience because you care. It means when you don’t know what to say next you listen CAREFULLY and speak as if every words from then on is important because it is. When you’re stuck and you’re not sure what to do next, love your friend through their dark moments no matter what it looks like for that individual friend because everyone is different and it takes thought. If you listen carefully enough, you’ll know exactly what the other person needs, no matter who they are, whether its a hug, they need someone to hold their hand, or they just need someone to show up for support, listen and be obedient to what your friends needs are because you can change a life without knowing you’re doing it.

Morning is usually the best time of day. However, this morning started off okay and then went downhill and I give up. I want to scream. My job is difficult and sometimes makes me really want to jump off the nearest bridge most of the time. I never ever want kids ever. They are little twats. However there is no other job that would seem as flexible as this one.

1) I miss my family in Mississippi SO much! I love them all and I really really miss them!
2) I feel SO disgusting about eating normally this weekend. I didn’t even eat too badly except for chips and salsa. I’m pretty sure my body is shocked because I hardly eat during the week. Now with summer break and all three kids being home, it’s going to be so much easier for me to distract myself from eating and the hungry feeling because I’ll be preoccupied by three kids for 10 hours rather than just 1 or 2. I can’t do it. I’m not ready to recover.